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26 - From Surigao

Journey 25

Picking up the pieces at home was not easy - in the severely disturbed atmosphere that I had created around my marriage - my wife's side of the family had all turned their backs on me.
The events since I revealed to my wife that I was considering divorce - June 11th it was - by a cruelly unintentional coincidence, our wedding anniversary - had certainly brought our problems to the surface - but now we were constantly tripping over them.
Recently we have managed a few laughs over it all - particularly when my wife told me that the reason she became suspicious and immediately jumped to the conclusion that I had found someone else - was that I started off by saying "I have been thinking of decorating the house ."

Ten days passed without me hearing a word from the Philippines.
Then - out of the blue - thinking it was all sliding into the past I received an email from Mayen - subject - from Surigao, a city on Mindanao - a short ferry trip from where her parents are in Pintuyan. Surigao was where Mayen had lived during her school years - staying with her sister. We had planned on visiting Surigao on my second trip.

Our discovery later on that the IP address on all these "post-hospital" emails are the same, indicates that Mayen is only pretending to be in Surigao, but I fall for it at the time.

Friday September 7th.
hi how are you? sorry for e mailing you.. i just remember you .. passing by this internet cafe in town. im here in my sister's place in surigao.. she invited me.. i dont know what to say..
it feels so strange..knowing that before we are used to it..chatting, e mailing.. and sharing ideas and more.. now it feels awkward.. feels like crying..it seems that there is a blocking..
but i still hope you are doing fine..
sorry to tell you this but i have to..
i missed you.. and i everytime i feel it i have here your book..
i just read it..and imagining you are talking to me..
sounds funny but its true..
have to go now.. sister is waiting.. we will buy mangoes..
you tell me,how can i forget you timmyboy....its really hard....

My heart skips a few beats - what is going on now?
Mayen has no doubt just been informed that I am still on my quest for truth - word has leaked from the hospital that I have been writing to the hospital board for an explanation. I expect that my emails were intercepted before they reached their intended recipients - although quite how far the rot of corruption has spread inside this hospital is difficult to gauge.
As far as Mayen and her cohorts were concerned though, why would I have been writing to the hospital unless I believed it all to be true? Perhaps there was still a chance that I could be finally convinced - finally steered back on course by Mayen's powers of persuasion.

In a split second, the last, faint glowing embers of love in my heart turn to consuming flames again. I reply to Mayen.
Mayen - Mayen - Mayen,

Your message came
Like a bolt from the blue,
Not deserving or expecting
A word from you,
Yet . . . I cannot forget,
And often my heart
Finds need to cry.
Still torn apart
By a love so deep,
A fear so high,
And sadness
Drains my well
Bone dry.
I have no home
On either shore,
My soul,
Until in heaven
I see your smile.
Strange, today
Our twisting clay
Will find the same advisors,
Who steer us clear away -
What spell that ties us?
We hear them say.
Yet, come what will,
I ache inside -
And cannot hide
That April's seed
Is growing still.

And on the same day another lengthy email I sent to Mayen - obviously - the pent up emotions of the previous ten days surfacing. Was she feeling the same way?

Mayen - Mayen - Mayen,
Thank you so much for getting in touch - I'm so glad that you haven't changed your email or anything - you know - hardly a single moment goes by without me thinking of you - true - talaga - wondering - hurting.
I cannot expect you to forgive me - but you know - I can't help loving you still.
I really can't - deep down.
Ignore anything I might have written in anger - please - I was angry - and so confused - and really, really scared.
Perhaps now - now that I know I cannot hurt you any more than I have - and you know that I can never hurt you like that again - I can tell you the truth about everything I was feeling.
Please forgive me - it's all down to my insecurity - not trusting you - and it got way, way out of hand.
I simply cannot help believing that meeting you was simply too good to be true - I cannot believe how deeply I feel for you - I cannot believe that you were willing to return that love - simply - for love's sake. That is very unkind of me, I know - please be brave - I know that you are - listen to what I have to say without flinching - because it is important that I say these things.
If I look back over our relationship - including the visit - I find it impossible to believe that you would be genuinely interested in an "old" man like me - truth - I cannot imagine anybody like you - young, beautiful, bright - so much fun to be with - as you say - with the whole of your life ahead of you - I just find it really hard to believe that you did actually try to make it happen with me - just for love's sake - although if you felt at all like I did - it was a compulsion - and I do know that we had a very strong connection.
My crazy, stupid, doubting, suspicious mind - full of words that I am hearing, reading, thinking - started to think that you were simply trying to get money from me. My dearest Mayen - we were planning to be married - all I have would become yours - willingly - as long as it is respected and not abused.
The love I feel for you is so deep - so powerful - when it turns upside down through the slightest fear - I see a frightening inverse - a really scary picture.
That picture - and I have to tell you this - to get it out of my system - was that you would have perhaps started a relationship with anyone - that I was not particularly special to you - I was snapped up by someone waiting for that purpose - remember - my picture wasn't even on my profile when you contacted me - and that I was being groomed for a visit - which was just a holiday for you - just a spending spree for you and your family - that visit allowed us to make love - initiated by you - and on my return - the requests for money started, the pregnancy health check - the money for your new rooms - ending up with the hospital. I was completely willing to send you money - it was my greatest pleasure to help you my darling Mayen - but you know times are hard for me at the moment - but on my side, it was never about the money - but about trust and respect.
The hospital episode - coming when it did - just before my visit - just raised my suspicions to that point of no return.
a) Because unfortunately an Ectopic Pregnancy is the perfect vehicle for scamming money.
b) The timing was such that I would arrive in Manila with a lot of cash. You could have disappeared somewhere. Obviously all your work colleagues and family were involved - plus some people at the hospital.
c) I would end up being in debt perhaps to Sir Francis - being refrained from checking things at the hospital - being refrained from daring to look to see if there was a scar.
d) Not getting any contact from the hospital at all - only the email from Marivien with the figures on - seemed so suspicious - and I needed to have verification before I left - hardly any time at all.
e) Nothing followed - from anyone - that could not be interpreted as part of a scam.
So everything turned upside down - I have spent hours and hours trying to get some truth from people - I am still trying.
Yet I am haunted by the possibility that it is true.
But I could not trust a word from you or Sir Francis or the hospital - and I could not listen to the sound of your voice - I feared it - I feared being turned around again - to face someone I had no real idea about - I do not know you well enough - all I know is that I love you and want you - but I could not trust even my love for you - fearing that it was simply a fantasy - that my heart had been cunningly turned to your direction - all for the sake of this final scam.
Part of the truth is, unfortunately, that these things do go on - and are well documented.
The other truth is - that I lost faith in the love I felt - it appeared to have been built on sand.
I know all along it has been a test of my faith - and I failed at this point - but I was really, really scared for my life - not knowing what I would find in Manila on my arrival.
But that just proves that I did not put you first - even the slightest possibility that it was true and I should have flown to be with you - but my fear got the better of me and held me back.
I need to know you for a lot longer - we need to communicate - your letter is so wonderful - I wish you would write more - I need to know you inside out.
You know me now - weak, a moral coward - unable, at the end, to stand up to his own fears - to stick by his own faith in what he felt - through suspicion and doubt.
I am a fool - because I will never find another you - never - ever.
I was so sincere with my love for you - all our plans and everything. Maybe you were right - it was the separation and the distance that caused me to forget and get so scared - I really want to see you again at some time - I cannot live without resolving this situation between us.
Darling, darling Mayen - I am so, so sorry to have hurt you that way.
I want to put things right between us - and between me and all the people I have hurt and written about.
It is hard - very hard - distance - time - culture.
I had a faith in what I felt for you - it felt so divine, so divine - and I am so hollow now, having turned my back on that faith.
It might be hard for you to understand - it is crazy - and sounds hypocritical - but this only happened because of my feelings for you - the brighter the light - the darker the shadow.
I was so scared that my love for you was no more than a manipulation - by someone who is so clever - so clever - at seeing into my soul.
Please - please - please - keep in touch - my days and nights are empty without you - so empty - but only keep in touch with the pure, bright, shining truth.
I would rather us be silent than be dishonest.
I would rather slowly try to forget than to live with an illusion.
I don't ever want to hide anything from you.
You're right - it is about happiness - and I am not happy here.
Please forgive me - for my inaction - for my horrid words - could I beg you for a chance to try and put things right?
We must take our time - we must communicate - from the heart - in absolute honesty.
We are still at war here, despite the lies I wrote to Sir Francis about me and Mrs T - it is not working for us - that was my twisted anger. I will apologise. Big time.
I want that hope back again - that happy future to beckon me - our plans - we must take our time - but I will try to put things right - all round - if you will only allow it.
I could not conceal my love under a cloak of simple friendship - after all we have been through.
I can only leave it up to you - perhaps you understand a little.
Quite simply - it is hell being apart from you - but I am still wanting you so badly - badly enough to make cautious plans.
Maybe our story is not over?
Can we write another chapter?
Please write again.
Tell me everything - everything - honestly - I am desperate for the truth. Desperate.
How can I beg you not to lie to me - please - for the slightest respect - do not do that.
Please just tell me your story - right from the start - please, please, please.
Abolish my doubts with your rays of light - please - on my knees?


Mayen replies - all this on Friday 7th September.

all that im saying to you was true.. from the moment i saw you in DIA and from the last word i say to you all is true.. i dont have to waste my time chatting with you, giving you my time and giving myself to you if i was just playing.. i told you my past, about my family and my friends and my lifestyle.. and everything.. was it not enough? i let you see everything to me so that all your doubts and worries will gone and you yourself witnessed.. think of it, do you think all was fake? on that day that i have you, i decided to marry you because i know you by heart and i know you that you are such a good man to me.. my ideal man.. it doesnt matter about our age gap, differences and culture its all about the feeling that i have for you. i have no intention to fool anybody, or to you.. its not my nature.. i grew up from a poor but a happy, loving family and they teach me how to respect and have dignity in my own.. yes i am very ambitious gurl i admit it, but doing such things you were accusing me is not a way of having my ambitions.. i believe its not a way.. its hardwork and perseverance..and that's what my grandpa taught me.... i loved you as you are, and i respected you, i chose you to be my future husband but it really hurt, it turned down because you distrusting me.. and its really very hard for you and for me to have it back..
evrything that had happened to me timmy was really true.. that case ectopic pregnancy is rare but it happened to me..even me i'd never expect that it could happened to me. you remember before i told u i was not always feeling well, i always vomit i loose my appetite and blah.. blah... you told me to go for check up, and yet i did.. the doctor told me it was negative result.. but there are symptoms of pregnancy.. and i have to go back again on the 27th of july for check up.. to confirmed what's really going on.. but on the 27th i never come back.. coz i feel fine..then august 2, 2007, my monthly period was came and i told you im not pregnantcoz i have a monthly period.. but i was wondering why its too early.. i know i have it every 2nd week or 3rd week of a month.. i thought it was just changing cycle.. then after few days i decided to visit my sister adelaide in quezon city novaliches.. we had a long chat i cant forget it..and when i returned home in water fun, august 10, 4:30. i really have a severe pain in my tummy, i cant help it.. its really very painful, i thought it was just a stomach trouble but its different. i never experience a pain all my life.. on the morning i ask ate glo for help.. she told me i will bring you to the hospital.. iwas really crying.. im worried on that time.. how to pay the hospital.. then ate glo brought me to medical center of paranaque. then as they examined me, the laboratory test said i was pregnant the doctor told me i should undergo operation because the baby is in the tube not in my womb.. and its really very risky, i might die.. i was worried, im thinking how i will pay the hospital? what will happened to me? i was rattled, dont know what to do plus shouting of the severe pain..really hard.. i called you up i told you be ready for the hospital bills..but you misinterpreted it.. im so sorry.. i called sir F coz he is the only one who can help me, he came then he pay for the deposit for my operation. then i called marivien to e mail you.. coz i do believe that she's the only one i can lean on communicating with you.. and that's how i will trust a person timmy... but what did you do? you suspected her, and even sir F, and ate glo.. they help me on those times but you suspected them.. timmy.. that was the time i needed you most,the time that i thoughtyou will be there.. i was waiting for you on your arrival..but you never came.. those days and nights in the hospital was really a hell for me..
thinking how to pay for my operation, the hospital bills and evrything.. plus you hurting me, you distrusting me.. you were accusing me... its really very painful.. that was the worst thing that ever happened to me.but i was really stronger then.. until my family was the last who help me..it was not a show timmy, it was real.. and its really hard for you to believe but its true.. The hospital failed to e mail you because they told me, its a personal problem.. they told me " if he never trust you mayen, that he saw you before, you encounterd each other, how can he trust us, he dont know us.. that's what they say..i was really ashamed.. i beg them to e mail you.. they did but its too late..
timmy, i could not make you believe...its only on your self.. you are the one who told me, you are in fear..and yet you really are in fear.. its in your book that i read, HOW COULD YOU TRUST OTHER PEOPLE WHEN YOU,,,,YOU NEVER TRUST YOURSELF..
and that's what you are timmy..THE SCAR in my tummy, it will remain forever.. its really hard to forget you coz evry moment of my life i can feel it, i can see it.. and it reminds me of you... and our little angel.. i supposed to name him as TIMMYBOY, if he was a boy.. but he was gone..
timmy, timmy, timmy.......... if you only know what i'd been through? if you were only here with me.. and tell you that all is true..im true to you.. but dont know if you can make it again.. maybe you can make it if you are stronger, braver enough as me.. im trying to understand you.. i dont want to live in hatred its hard for me to move on.. so timmy, dont be scared..dont.. coz if you will always scared, doudbtful, and suspicious you wont be happy for the rest of your life.. i assure you..
missed you really.. hope your safe always.. im praying for you too..
regards to oscar...

Oh my goodness - I think to myself - what have I done? Can she really be this wonderful person? I cannot let her go. My love for her grows and grows.
Yet - still - on the other side - there is so much doubt - surely these two people cannot exist in the same body?
Confusion returns - but of course, maybe the answer will come.
Mayen is now trying to regain my trust - and doing everything right with that regard.
We have a few recriminations still - and I don't pretend to give up easily - but I gently accommodate myself to her version of the truth. I want her to reveal her true colours.

To clarify the issue regarding the first hints of pregnancy - you will remember that it is Mayen who steers things from needing money for the Internet through to a health check for suspected Dengue Fever.
It is Mayen who is now interpreting the symptoms as signs of pregnancy - before she allegedly revisits the doctor (who conveniently turns out later to be the same doctor who operated on her) - at her suggestion - I merely endorse the decision she has already suggested.
Clearly - it is all coming from Mayen initially - with occasional mentions of doctors - perhaps to lend it all an added sense of reality.
I have no proof whatsoever that any of it actually happened.
Could this have been Mayen, cleverly tip-toeing into the first request for money, knowing all along that the end result would reveal a pregnancy, but fearing that to be too obvious and unsubtle as an opening move?
The brevity of her email to me announcing the news of the pregnancy certainly gets straight to the point however - there is no real show of concern - little reaction at all to this news - it is all very business-like - delivering only what is essential.

On Friday 13th July I receive this email from Mayen (having sent the first money) -

"Timmy, I have to go back to the doctor this day coz i felt something unusual.. my fever is gone and stiff neck but i lose my appetite and i keep on vomiting..feel so weak and im delayed, im suspecting that im pregnant huhuhuhu.. but to make sure have to go for check up again.. i'll just let you know the details after the check up.. I love you..and i mis you a lot my timmyboy.."

I checked in my diary when I was actually told by Mayen that the pregnancy was a false alarm - my entry on Monday 21st July reads ". . . I have had news that the baby was a false alarm - we are now talking about wanting twins. I feel sad but relieved, coming so soon, it certainly would have been a strain. "

* My visit to the Philippines was from 19th - 29th June 2007.
* First possible date of conception - 23rd June.
* No menstruation apparent during this time.

It was around the 21st July when I was informed that it was a false alarm - not August 2nd as Mayen suggests - so the pregnancy only lasted about one week before I announced my second trip.

Later on in the email explanation after the hospital events she writes -

"my monthly period was came and i told you im not pregnant coz i have a monthly period.. but i was wondering why its too early.. i know i have it every 2nd week or 3rd week of a month.. i thought it was just changing cycle.."

Here we have an admission that her menstruation is usually the 2nd or 3rd week of a month (8th - 21st) yet in the first email she thinks she is already "delayed" around the 13th of the month.

Not only that but the menstruation which confirmed the false alarm, must have happened between the 13th & 21st July - coinciding with her regular time.

That doesn't add up.
Another point on this subject is that ruptures of Ampullary section Ectopic Pregnancies normally occur at 8 to 12 weeks [read here - page 267.] This rupture happened on 10th August - 6 weeks, 6 days from the earliest possible date of conception, (23rd June) - very early - & according to the "patient" - unusually, they didn't remove the fallopian tube.

More discrepancies exist regarding my emails to the hospital and Dra Leonardo.
In our first chat after the hospital incident, Mayen assures me that the hospital and the Dra. have told her that my emails were not received. This excuse is gradually replaced with Patient Confidentiality.

On 9th September we are having a chat session - another bombshell is dropped.
tim: what does Sir Francis say about me? Can you repeat it?
tim: is it censored?
mayen: dont contact with them
mayen: i lost my job
tim: what?
tim: why?
mayen: his wife was angry with me
tim: why?
mayen: coz of what had happened
tim: why she angry at you?
mayen: she blame me for the mess
tim: that's not fair at all
tim: what mess?
mayen: like what you did
mayen: sending all the messages
tim: yes but as far as she was concerned - what mess?
tim: ah - my messages for help?
mayen: to the company to the hospital
mayen: and everything
mayen: i lost them all
tim: oh my goodeness - I'm so sorry Mayen - so sorry.
mayen: are you happy doing it to me timmy?
tim: oh my goodness
mayen: why?
time: no I'm not happy at all - trust me on that
mayen: why
mayen: why
mayen: if you only knew
mayen: how i feel
mayen: losing you
mayen: losing my job
tim: but it was not your fault - why you lose the job? That doesn't make any sense
mayen: losing the friendship
time: but why they blame you at all - it was a tragedy
mayen: dont know
tim: I'm so sorry - talaga - totoo
tim: so sorry
mayen: its easy for you to say that
mayen: sorry mayen
tim: I mean it though
mayen: hope your happy timmy
tim: when did this happen?
mayen: doing it to me
tim: I'm not happy at all
tim: when did it happen?
mayen: thats why im here in province
tim: when did they tell you?
mayen: tell me whata
tim: goodbye to the job
mayen: after i released in the hospital
tim: you went straight to Province?
mayen: yes
mayen: huh
mayen: timmy
mayen: dont know why
tim: Mayen - Mayen -buko baby - I'm lost for words - how sad this is
mayen: you did it to me
mayen: now happy?

All in all, this chat session was very profound, we dug deep - the conversation covered God, Pride, Mayen's married friends, the promises I had made to her family before I left the province - generally putting me to shame - oh yes, and forbidding me to make any contact with the gang - even if I were to revisit the Philippines.
The most odd thing about it was the disclosure that Mayen had lost her job - been fired - and because of Sir Francis's wife?

Monday 10th September - the same day I received the reply from the hospital "Legal Counsel" - I send this email to Mayen.
We have started chatting again on Yahoo Messenger - I detect a great many hints about her "old school friends . . . now married . . . with families . . ."

Mayen, Mayen, Mayen - it was so good to chat again yesterday - if we continue to exchange - letting our rivers run their course - we shall see if we join together - just by sharing our lives - honestly - openly - we will grow in understanding - and go where our lives, our feelings take us - just as we did before.
We are still the same people - I have shown you my cautious side - and also my determination to reach the truth about something that was so critically important - the truth about us - as the whole of my future depended on knowing - that is why I did what I did - which has offended and made people angry - I was so frustrated at not getting any response.
A response from your friends, a response from the hospital - I could not speak to you - the sound of your voice renders me incapable of thinking clearly - you know that - I had to give myself a chance.
You are an excellent mirror for me to learn about myself - it seems that you are teaching me on a very deep level about really important things I should know about myself.
I have no idea if I have any similar value to you - in your life.
It is a mystery to me - that you are still communicating at all - no mystery as to why I am - I am so attracted to you - your wildness - your strength - your beauty - your youth - your voice (he he) - your wisdom - your good heart - your brightness - just totally - you, you, you.
It would be such a powerful chapter to our story - if we managed to start over - if we could still find a lasting joy together - the simple, happy life that we had planned.
As always - and even more so now - I have no right whatsoever to try to influence your state of mind - don't worry, my darling Mayen - s-l-o-w - I'm going really slowly now.
A lasting devotion to you is still within my heart - despite my inactions - and despite my shame - nothing has changed how I feel for you.
I hope you are feeling well and having a relaxing time with your sister - you deserve a good rest after your terrible ordeal.
I was so shocked to learn that you were asked to leave your job - that seems so unfair - to put that on top of the pile of your troubles - when none of it was your fault at all.
I really feel like writing to Sir Francis - despite saying to him I wouldn't be in touch again - and asking him for his explanation.
But you have forbidden me to write - so I won't - without your express permission.
I do need to apologise - sometime - I really do - but that can wait for the future.
I have a great deal of work planned up until February - and really need to get earning a wage - I have had a lot of expenses this summer - one way or another - I still have the bills to pay while I have the house - despite sharing it with a mad-woman - it is my home at the moment.
I shall absorb myself in my work - and hopefully - keep in constant communication with you, my sweetheart, still - the only woman I truly love - and just keep a finger on the pulse.
If you read this early Monday - I might still be online - if you would care for a chat.
mWaaaaaaah - my buko-baby
Godbless you - get well and return to joy again soon.

Love you still - totoo - want you still - talaga.

Mayen replies - by the way, the remark I made about the knifing is nowhere near as dramatic an incident as it may sound, but things at home were obviously all in turmoil again now the "relationship" seemed to be back on at times - although I think doubt and suspicion now held the majority of votes - I was pursuing the truth much more than I was striving for a relationship.

timmy,timmy timmy....im afraid of what you told, about your wife.. she might knifed you.. so scary.. oh my goodness! its really funny but scary as well.
i always get in touch with you, just like before.. as i have said the pain i have for now will pass away.. it will just take time.i'm praying we could be as close as before, not as strange as we feel right now.. its awful, really..
i want to understand you like before, practicing my patience.. and be strong..
but sometimes i cant hide the fear.. you might hurt me again..but i hope it wont happened again.
timmy, again i have to tell you this thousands time.. i never lie to you..i'm always true and sincere about our relationship. i want you to be happy, like me very happy especially when i'm with you. the people around me might tell, IM CRAZY, IM A FOOL, A STUPID, but i cant help my self longing and loving you.. i hope i can forgive you someday.. and im sure i can. slowly as i'm healed.
the plans we had, and everything, we dream,hope it will come true.. not just a dream but in reality..
I advise you not to keep in touch with sir F or to any of those people you have hurt.. even me i never keep in touch with them.. because i want them not to be reminded of what you did.. if you will write them, they wont believe you anymore..
so just let those things passed and someday evrything will be fine.. i hope so..
be safe always..im praying for you.. hope to talk to you everyday..
mahal kita..

A theme that Mayen was constantly stressing was that I was on no account to communicate with any of her old gang in Manila - Sir Francis especially. I kept saying I would write and apologise - but she would tell me that they wouldn't believe me anyway. What on earth was going on - what was she up to? I could sense all this working towards either another squeeze or the realisation that here was a remarkable woman indeed - one I would be so lucky to continue my relationship with.

Maybe we were both simply lost in the maze, the hall of mirrors - enchanted by our own reflections. Each of us had created our very own phantom - neither of us could see the other clearly at all - but were both obstinately persevering - chasing the original dreams we had woven - whatever they might have been.
Yes - I was still mightily confused by it all.

Click the flags to read about all the alarm bells.


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