Later on that day Mayen and I have a quick exchange of SMS - she is obviously well aware of the critical nature of revealing the scar - critical that I believe once and for all that it is all true - the Ectopic Pregnancy, the operation, the hospital stay - this would leave her, Sir Francis and her work colleagues in the clear.
I don't know how I would possibly evaluate our relationship afterwards - that is a whole other subject - was I getting cold feet about it all, looking for the easy way out that proving it to be all a scam would provide?
SMS from Mayen 16:27 25/09.07
darling i have talk d cafe owner, she told me
2morrow 7am my time i can use d cafe privately.
i hav no choice but 2 wait 4 2 morrow.
hope u will b thr luv u timmyboy
SMS from Mayen 17:05 25/09/07
timmyboy u nvr reply.cn u make it 7 am my time
2morrow? I luv u really mWahhhhh be safe
I send a text reply back to Mayen asking her what had happened to the idea of visiting a friend's house, that day.
SMS from Mayen 19:03 25/09/07
yah I tried im here in thr hauz, computer trouble,
thr sumth!ng wrong with hercomputer . .
no choice 2morrow il b going 2 d cafe
7 am will u b thr?
SMS from Mayen 19:16 25/09/07
yah want 2 finish all these blocks.7am my time 2 mrow
th!nking of u ryt now.cn u call me? if u cnt its okay,
I luv u. mwaahh
Now on reading these carefully - I came to the conclusion that Mayen was padding for a bit more time - for some reason. The first SMS arrived about an hour after we closed the chat session. I expect she made her plans there and then and talked to the internet cafe owner before she left, making arrangements for the following morning. The emphasis on the computer at her friend's house having something wrong with it makes it seem like a lie - besides she had already made the arrangements for the following morning.
I did phone Mayen - I was so tearful at hearing her voice again - I really broke down - she was crying as well - we both tried to pull ourselves together. After a long time on my cellphone talking - we decided to continue with a chat session - so Mayen headed out to the cafe again and we had a very loving exchange - on webcam for only the second time ever. Nothing was mentioned about the scar until we were about to sign off for the night, it was getting late in the Philippines.
I was feeling emotionally drained - full of shame and remorse - and an indescribable sadness at what I had possibly done - hurting this girl so much - the girl that I truly adored. Was I nothing but a sadistic hypocrite, putting her through all of this torture for the sake of my own guilt, purely because I lacked the sincere unconditional trust that should be implicit in such a deep love?
Well - Mayen would like me to have thought that - 100% - but I was still confused, ambivalent - changing my mind constantly from one interpretation to the other.
A pivotal moment was about to happen - the following morning.
The revelation of the scar. Everything hinged on this moment - and how I reacted, how I sincerely felt about it.
It would fly past - the webcam chat session - and then be gone for ever. I would have to make a very rapid assessment.
Unless - I wonder - is there any way I could record the webcam, allowing me to study the video later on - at liesure - in great detail?
I set to - scouring the internet for such a piece of software to allow me to do that.
Eurika - I found one - downloaded it.
I needed to test it out - see if it worked - become familiar with it so that I didn't mess up when the crucial moment arrived.
I phoned a friend who had a short webcam session with me - yes, it worked alright - but the free version only recorded for sixty seconds. I could do multiple recordings I suppose - but might miss some crucial frames. I coaxed my wife into letting me purchase the full version using her credit card - bless her for that.
7.00 am in the Philippines is midnight here in the UK. Way before midnight arrived I was ready - nervous, excited, emotional and full of considerable dread at what was about to happen.
mayen: timmy wake up
mayen: timmy boy
mayen: good morning
tim: what - he he good morning my darling Mayen - sleep well? dream well?
mayen: yah sleep well
mayen: i"ll be here for an hour
tim: yah -and then?
mayen: go to the bus terminal
mayen: for manila
tim: wow- early ride - I hope your journey goes smoothly for you both
tim: are you alone there?
mayen: yah ahamed because i woke the owner
mayen: i called her hehehe shes still asleep
mayen: i awake her
tim: owwwwwww - you an early riser - I have not slept yet at all
mayen: yah i wake up early
tim: yah with the cockerels
mayen: see me
tim: yah I do -see me?
time: tahts better you stopped moving for a while
tim: he he - you look beautiful as ever
mayen: salamat po
mayen: see you my scar
tim: what are the other little marks on you darling?
mayen: what marks?
tim: litle marks above the big scar
tim: is that laporoscopy?
mayen: AHA i scrath them because its itchy
mayen: specailly at cold
tim: aha - nothing to do with the op then
tim: oh darling - oh oh oh oh oh
tim: what can I say -
mayen: really its a line
tim: I can say nothing except thank you for doing that
mayen: and until now its not yet heald inside
tim: yah a line
time: inside not yet?
tim: how can you tell?
mayen: yah coz sometimes its swollen
tim: oh my goodness
tim: oh darling I am so so so sorry
tim: I am completely lost for words
mayen: i never lie to you
tim: yah - I am
mayen: I never lei
tim: I go and get the gun
tim: I could easily - but that is not the way
tim: we are adult - well you are
tim: I am relieved - shocked - stunned
mayen: dont know
tim: I am
tim: I am
mayen: if i have to believe
tim: I am
mayen: its you
mayen: up to you
tim: i am never felt anything like this before
mayen: im doing this to finish those blocks in your mind
tim: I am full of shame
tim: darling I am so sorry
tim: so sorry for my behaviour - I start to put it right
tim: from NOW
mayen: i hope so
mayen: i hope so
mayen: i hope so
tim: yah -you are so special - so special
mayen: salaamat po
tim: waht am I? a big JERK
tim: a big JERK
tim: A big JErk
tim: stupid jerk
time: oh my God what have I done
time: well I start undoing that now
mayen: your pride will eat your whole being
tim: yah -I can't be proud now
tim: not ever again after this
mayen: yah you cant
time: I will need to seriously pray when we finish
tim: Oh my God -forgive my stupid pride - for not believing in my heart
mayen: dont hurt me again timmy
mayen: dont do it again
mayen: WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT
mayen: timmy i told you
mayen: i never ever lie to you
tim: yes you told me all along
time: yes yes yes
tim: right - ok
mayen: if you only fly on the august 15 you will witness wht i'd been through
tim: form now - I need a bit of time to recover please while you are on your journey
mayen: its really very tragic
time: I know - I should have been there
mayen: the baby was ruptured
mayen: in my tube
mayen: really i never expect it
mayen: will happenn
tim: no - no one would expect that
mayen: the people around me is helping me
mayen: but you did?
mayen: you insult them
tim: nothing except create havoc
mayen: yah sir F was right you create a havoc
mayen: by giving us false hope that you will come home
mayen: and save me
mayen: but it happened already
mayen: we cant do it
mayen: we have to move on
mayen: make a brand new start
tim: my goodness Mayen - you astonish me
tim: you really do - i am beyond help with this now -
mayen: what i will say
mayen: i will say nothing
mayen: i have done all of those just to save our love
mayen: all of thses
tim: nothing darling I expect nothing at all - I can only thank you for showing me -salamat po salamat po
tim: yah - you have -an enormous sacrifice
tim: I am moved like never before
mayen: so please dont do it again okay
tim: no way
mayen: salalmt po
tim: no way
tim: I go and soak this all up
tim: absorb it all
tim: oh Mayen - I will put things as right as I can
tim: I start NOW
mayen: hope so
mayen: hope sao
tim: while you are on the bus - I will go and pray and sleep
mayen: now you sleep well
tim: and absorb all this now
mayen: you go to the vicar
tim: you have a good journey - you super special person
mayen: and ask for some advices
tim: yah I should go yet again
tim: yah yah yah
tim: I will go
mayen: i will back to manila
mayen: find job.. hard to start
tim: a new beginning
tim: I will face everyone eventually
tim: and start to say sorry
mayen: not yet
tim: staring of course with you
tim: not yet - I start with you
mayen: dont disturb there calmness right now
tim: and you don't want words
mayen: no words
time: no words - only deeds
tim: yah yah yah
mayen: if you will write them they dont velieve
tim: I try to redeem a bit of myself somwhere
tim: oh my goodness
tim: oh my goodness
mayen: you pray you will be at peace
mayen: and accept everything
tim: I don't know how
tim: I accept
tim: I have to
tim: it is all soaking down
tim: so a new life all round - thank you for bringing this chapter to a close
mayen: because i love you
mayen: i do
tim: I am amazed - totally
mayen: and im certain to what i feel
mayen: for you
tim: I love you - respect you more than I could ever imagine
tim: for this Mayen
tim: and I do not deserve you one bit
time: I will try to please you
mayen: NO DO IT PLEASE ME
tim: I have a big job ahead of me
time: yah - not try - DO IT
mayen: timmy i want as like before
mayen: no doubts
tim: in time - yah
tim: we be just US
tim: jUSt us
mayen: no suspiscions
mayen: just us
mayen: just you and me
mayen: no one will didtate
tim: yah just you and me my darling gUrl
tim: no - especially not in this house - he he
tim: Oh my goodness
tim: back to plan A
tim: he he
time: or plan B
mayen: heeheh whatever plan
tim: or maybe C
mayen: its up to us
time: have I told you about plan C?
tim: maybe another day
tim: when I've thought of it
tim: he he
mayen: timmy timmy timm
time: Mayen Mayen Mayen
tim: it is not such a bad world after all - thank heaven for that
tim: thank heaven for that
mayen: not all are bad
mayen: not all
mayen: maybe there are but not all
time: yah - I have many bad parts to see to
tim: I see now
tim: it is a shock - but I need to know this - thank you Mayen thank you
mayen: do you know
tim: what to do?
mayen: no your bad parts
tim: my wavering faith in what I originally believed in
tim: my wanting perhaps to see an easy way out
tim: easy to write it all off as a scam
tim: but I tried to keep balanced - which is why I can accept this outcome
tim: now I have seen
tim: with my own eyes
mayen: i hope it wont happen again
mayen: and i dont want to happen it again
time: goodness so do I
mayen: please dont do it.. its really not good
tim: I totally understand mayen my goodness
tim: but I will speak my mind - tell you what I feel and think -I am no longer afraid
mayen: im so sorry if i ask money for the hospital..
mayen: i thought it can help
mayen: but it doesnt
tim: we have such a bond - a tragic bond - but it is something unique to just us
mayen: it just create you doubts
tim: well - it was on top of everything else
tim: and my lack of sleep
tim: and home situation I expect
mayen: but no excuse hehehe
tim: nope<BR>tim: excuses
tim: I have you
tim: I don't need excuses
tim: you have a good trip yah? where you stay tonight?
mayen: at the bus
tim: on the bus?
tim: really a long trip
mayen: 2 days and 1 nyt
mayen: i think
tim: you arrive when?
mayen: tomorrow afternoon
mayen: i think
tim: wow - time for me to pick myself up again
tim: handy for propping head up
tim: you so special
tim: you have to go soon yah?
mayen: so you will sleep after this
tim: yah - but I will go to bed
tim: and pray to the Lord to hear me
tim: and to keep you safe - I remove the mote from my eye
tim: first I try and get that out
tim: I hope to chat agian as soon as you feel ready
mayen: when i"l arrive manila tomorrow we will chat ok
tim: he he
tim: tomorrow being Thursday?
tim: or Friday?
mayen: if you dont have work
mayen: yah tomorrow night
tim: Thursday night for you?
tim: that is Thursday morning for me - OK I go to town for 5:00 pm your time?
tim: Thursday 5:00 pm
mayen: what day today?
tim: its just going into Wednesday over here
tim: 1:08 am
mayen: thursday %pm my time
tim: yah he he
tim: % o clock
tim: he he
mayen: just typo
tim: I know I know I know
mayen: love you
tim: mWaaaaaaaaaah - I love you m darling gurl
Wow - oh my goodness - I was gutted - destroyed by the sight of that scar. It looked so gruesome, so macabre - a great dark gash about four or five inches long just above her pubic hair - exactly on the indentation caused by the waist band of her knickers.
I was wrecked emotionally - hollowed out - there was little left inside of me - except a sort of grief - a feeling of self loathing.
Seeing the beautiful girl again who had totally won my heart - to whom I had made all sorts of loving promises - to see her stomach - her navel - parts of her body that I had intimately known - carressed - kissed - tasted. It was all too much for me.
No wonder Mayen saw me bury my head in my hands in total shock - saw me weep openly before her through the webcam.
I was relieved at last to know the truth - a final resolution - irrespective of how I judged it - I needed to be able to put an end to my haunting of guilt.
After we finished the chat session - I completely broke down and cried and cried - letting it all out - those weeks of tension - jumbled up, confused sensations of love - it all came flooding out. I announced what had happened at home - that I would have to face up to my responsibilities - perhaps accept the destiny of marrying Mayen, now convinced that she was a supremely wonderful woman - with such a power of forgiveness and compassion.
I sent Mayen the following email Wednesday 26th September - revelation day.
Darling Mayen - I have never in my entire life had to face up to the feelings inside me that I have now.
I feel the deepest shame for myself.
I feel so disgusted with myself.
I am so bitterly saddened that my own actions have caused such dreadful pain to you.
I have suspected, insulted you, your friends, family and colleagues as a direct result of my doubts and my lack of trust.
For all this - I am truly, truly so sorry - that I can assure you.
I am so amazed and humbled by your attitude - the result being that I have such an overwhelming respect for you which deepens the love that I have always felt.
You are truly a very special woman - and there is no man alive who would not feel enormous pride and happiness to be in a relationship with you.
In my circumstances, in my position now, I am humbled to a microscopic size - that you consider still journeying into the future with me - it is truly a further miracle to come my way - and is really unbelievable.
You have proved your beauty through and through - both inside and out - you are a shining example of humanity.
We need to start over - with God's blessing - and our willingness - our desire to do so.
It would be a loss that I don't think I could recover from, knowing you now, if we ever had to say goodbye.
Despite all that has happened - all the turmoil - I have always hoped beyond hope that you would somehow still be there - I would miss you catastrophically - terminally - were you to disappear from my life.
I know just how much I love you - I know the burning desire that you instill in me to be with you - forever - to have you as my wife - I would be so very happy to be able to know you for the rest of my life - closely, intimately, sharing everything - as close as two people can be.
I have never felt these extremes before - this compulsion.
It is all because of you - and how I react to you.
I think we both have a far deeper understanding of each other now - the road we have been forced to travel has shown us many things - some good - some bad.
We are both newcomers to this scene - the hellish world of long distance, internet based relationships - and the more serious the relationship becomes - the more treacherous these waters are to sail upon.
You are right - it does seem crazy that all the trouble started after I had met you - on the surface that would seem very odd - considering the wonderful time we had together.
But the deeper and brighter my love burns - the darker the shadow that floats over me when I have the slightest cause for doubt. It has become a contrast between heaven and hell.
Upon analysis - the troubles rise from events that have had 2 common denominators:-
a) A situation that has called upon my emotional response to help out - something my love for you is only too ready to comply with.
b) A request for, or offer of, assistance in the form of money being sent.
These are demanding situations - normally, in life, my awareness of the events behind these situations would be the same as yours - we would both know the truth behind them. My response would be the normal offer of help to resolve the situation - my knowledge and complete understanding meaning that trust can be left out of the equation entirely.
Because we are far apart and I have no way whatsoever to prove the verity of any situation - it requires totally that I have implicit trust, believing completely on face value alone.
It is exactly this blind trust that creates the possibility for extortion.
Trust is a component of love - I agree - but there are two possible alternatives here.
a) A love that is solely being groomed in order to cash in on the trust component.
b) A love that is natural, mutual, requires no grooming - trust is implicit and never abused.
Someone who is not involved in a relationship purely for love's own rewards - taking life and plans as they come along - must therefore have some other underlying motivation.
That motivation, if it is not for the love, is often for the obtaining of money.
That is why there is, printed in red along the bottom of the pages in DIA, "Never under any circumstances send anyone money - for any reason whatsoever." (or words to that effect.)
The only way to guarantee that these sort of suspicions never arise again, is to level the playing field.
That is to say - remove entirely from the equation, from the long distance part of the relationship - any mention of money - for whatever reason.
We must exist on our own, financially - until we marry and are prepared to share everything.
I said before - the reverse situation is never likely to arise - the only things I wish from you are - your hand in marriage, your sharing of a happy relationship with me, your reciprocal love for me - all for love's own sake - no ulterior motive whatsoever.
That is how we must proceed - no mention of money at all - for any reason.
We must deal with our lives individually until we find ourselves together.
We must resolve our situations on our own - with regard to finances.
There is no other way.
I admit that I have a responsibility to fulfil my obligation regarding the pregnancy.
I have never turned away from that - and I will resolve that issue - but complying to the new rule we must make for ourselves - I will not mention it.
That is simply down to my honour.
All our troubles sprung from our lack of awareness of the potential for disaster that exists when ignoring these cautionary steps.
All our troubles lie behind us - we will tread with care into a new tomorrow - together.
Me - with a new humility and yet an enormous pride that you are still by my side - and with such deep respect and love for you.
My desire for you is unchanged - as burning as ever.
We have plans to make - ideas to talk about.
I have still the mess to extracate myself from here.
Above all though, Mayen, I am so devoted to you - I will never turn away - I am always attracted to you - in every way possible.
I know that we can find a great happiness together.
We must be patient again - good things are worth waiting for - and you are so, so good - I will always wait for that chance to be with you - always.
Things will resolve - and we will have the opportunity to share with each other, over the time, a stress free, suspicion free communication - continue our wonderful chats, our exchanges of emails etc. - with both of us in the full, clear knowledge of what we are working towards.
We can shamelessly, blamelessly enjoy ourselves in a new doubt free environment.
We have a living bond between us - it is a unique strength for us.
You have been so strong - and miraculously have survived with your love for me still in tact.
So - can we make a pledge?
The new beginning started the very moment that I saw with my own eyes the scar on your tummy.
The line has been drawn in the sand.
The past is dead and buried.
The future beckons us - hand in hand.
We will exclude from our conversation the slightest hint of money.
From now on - until we are together.
It is the only way to ensure that what we see in each other is simply the person, the love - the desire to be with the other being based purely on love's own desires - nothing else.
I hope that your journey proceeded smoothly - good air-con on the bus - he he.
I'll not forget our date for 5:00 pm your time Thursday.
Darling - I thank you - I love you - I adore you - I want you - I desire you - for you and yourself alone.
You are a supremely wonderful and beautiful human being - a divinely wonderful and exquisitely beautiful woman.
I am so fortunate to have you in my life - so very lucky.
Praise be for God's mercies.
God bless and protect you my sweet Mayen.
I will never love like this again - there is only you.
We chat soon yah?
On Thursday 27th, 11.00 am UK time, we had our scheduled chat session, for which I found Mayen already in the internet cafe, she'd just signed in having dropped her bags in her room and dashed to the cafe. We switched on the webcams.
Her father, who had travelled up with her from Surigao to visit Mayen's sister Adelaide in Quezon City, was left sleeping in her room.
The session was interrupted at home here, but I sped into town and we continued our chat - both of us now in internet cafes. I was sort of feeling things were back on course - well - quite simply I was still entertaining my delusions - still perfectly happy to keep on communicating with my beautiful buko-baby - I was hopelessly hooked on the love I felt for her, despite one obvious, glaring anomaly - the IP address on emails from Mayen had not changed - was precisely the same number - going back to the first email she had written to me after leaving the hospital - The Four Feathers.
I had done some crude tracking of this IP address but had always come to a dead end with the ISP provider - domain name "Unknown."
Jim, however, was doing some stirling work on this particular curiosity and discovered that beyond the ISP provider he was able to find the Domain Name. Registered to a telecom company, leasing business from the ISP provider under their own name he was delighted to find that this company's own website listed the areas of coverage that its service provided. Mainly centered around Manila - Paranaque was a name that jumped out of the list at us - but critically - the name that was not on the list was Surigao. Now this particular service involved a wireless transmission system based around mobile equipment trucks - broadening the coverage area to remote locations - but not Surigao - where Mayen had allegedly been since 23rd August. However, the internet cafe that she was now chatting from, she told me was in the same buildings as her room - in Paranaque - an area listed as being covered by the telecom business associated with her IP address. What was going on?
please let us begin a brand new start.. we have to stop blaming to what had happened..
it happened already and we have nothing to do with it but learn its lessons.. Let us look forward to our dreams.. we will take this chance to work for our happiness..and live with it..
No doubts, no more pains.. let us put it in its end.. You forgive yourself, in that way you can move on.. Let us forgive and forget..I love you so much.. i do..
Im so tired Timmyboy.. i will write you tomorrow.. have to take rest also..
please sms me if you will be online.. be safe always..and please dont forget me.
I spent a long evening with Jim as he explained the significance of his research and discoveries. It was an evening of quite a few Eurika moments. Of extra special significance was our analysis of the the video of the scar revelation.
Jim had some very sophisticated computer equipment and a breakthrough digital and analogue device for performing spectral analysis and image enhancement [see Mark's 2nd comment here for explanation - nobody else had seen this video yet & we were aware that this blog was being followed, so we exaggerated here a bit. The equipment was none other than a decent monitor and a magnifying glass - but of course, the first description ushered outbursts of scientific gobbledygook from all those intent on criticising.] Going through the video, painstakingly frame by frame, it was perfectly clear that this was no genuine scar at all. A complete fake - drawn on with pen and coloured inks by the look of it.
We wondered for a long time about the strange dark coloured blobs that appeared, evenly sized and spaced, like a string of small beads along the length of the scar, which ran horizontally for about five inches in the indentation left by the waistband of her knickers.
The Eurika moment happened when we became aware that these beads exactly matched the size and spacing of the corrugations formed by the elastic nature of the waistband of her knickers.
These corrugations, because Mayen was hot and nervous, perspiring quite a bit, had simply rubbed off some of the ink where they had come into contact with her skin.
It was also apparent that Mayen did her best to give a blurred image, constantly moving about - defeating her stated intention to finally reveal the truth about the scar - quite the contrary. It was pure serendipity that allowed us the clear shots at those critical moments. If this was real - it would have stood the test of close scrutiny and that would have surely been to her advantage. But no - she jiggled and wiggled - never once touching the scar with her fingers - a natural thing to do - although occasionally, when pulling down the waistband of her knickers she can clearly be seen to smudge some of the ink again with her thumb. [I later discovered frames which reveal what appears to be the trace of a previously drawn scar in a slightly different position, which had been wiped off, but not very thoroughly. It was this discovery in August 2009 which prompted me to finally post the video extract online.]
A short extract from the original recording - which is safely stored away at various secret locations.
Apart from the looping - it is entirely untouched.
I recorded this from the monitor - deliberately in low quality, by using my webcam.
Better in full screen mode but not available here (Firefox users, try Ctrl + before you start the video) - don't blink or you'll miss it.
That's serendipity for you - this isn't a Hollywood production you know - (apart from the make-up) - what do you expect?
Of course - this is in real time - just as it appeared during transmission.
She could easily have got away with it - had it not been secretly recorded.
Watch closely when the girl's thumb is central - keep your eyes on the line of the scar - before and after she pulls down the waistband - watch the gap appear in the line.
Click on thumbnails for larger picture.
There are all sorts of smudges and blotches on the better resolution version I have.
It was not until August 2009 - importing the videos into a new piece of software for archiving, I find that each frame is available for scrutiny.
I find what appears to be signs of a previous attempt at drawing a scar - hastily but not thoroughly wiped off.
In conjunction with the smudging of the 2nd scar - what can we say?
It is certainly no artifact of camera or technology as this appears on later frames - although not as clearly.
Only after this recent discovery do I make this short, looped extract available for viewing.
& clearer still . . . (use ctrl + to magnify)frame 83
You will not see anything at this magnification - & depending on the resolution here, it still might be hard to make out.
Here is a pdf - you will still need to magnify it within your pdf reader.
Click the flags to read about all the alarm bells.
Index of Chapters
- 2 - Encounter
- 3 - Preparations
- 4 - Arrival
- 5 - In her hands
- 6 - Taal Lake
- 7 - Shopping
- 8 - Day with Sir F
- 9 - To Leyte
- 10 - To the Barrio
- 11 - Picnic
- 12 - Sister arrives
- 13 - Bakla basketball
- 14 - To Manila
- 15 - Last moments
- 16 - Waiting
- 17 - Hindsight
- 18 - Squeezing
- 19 - Decision time
- 20 - A friend indeed
- 21 - Non-arrival
- 22 - Try the Embassy
- 23 - Bill arrives
- 24 - Four Feathers
- 25 - Closure
- 26 - From Surigao
- 27 - Webcam
- 28 - Revelation day
- 29 - Stroke
- 30 - To Sogod
- 31 - Revelation 2
- ▼ August (30)
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.